


It's Free Real Estate

by PhoenixFire_theWizardGoddess



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: Dark Magic & Consequences, Fantasy AU, Giant Evil Animals May Have Been Harmed in this Story, M/M, Racoon, Sniper (Ranger), Soldier (Sorcerer's Apprentice), fighting evil by moonlight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 11:24:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14914491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixFire_theWizardGoddess/pseuds/PhoenixFire_theWizardGoddess
Summary: [Fantasy AU] Sorcerer's Apprentice Jane 'Soldier' Doe didn't expect to find a lanky, barely-conscious Ranger on his castle doorstep, pursued by something warped by dark arcane magics. Though when opportunity (and ruggedly handsome, battered Rangers) come a'knocking...





	It's Free Real Estate

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AShinyTurquoise](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AShinyTurquoise/gifts).



> For AShinyTurquoise, hope you like it!

 

With what can only be called an horrendous squeal, the giant creature lunged towards the human that assailed it; humongous gore-spattered tusks gleaming in the sunlight as it bore down with lethal intent. Enraged by the arrows dotting its flesh, the house-sized Titan Boar paid no heed to obstacles, smashing through tree trunks without seeming to notice and gaining ground with every passing second.

 

Yet still the lanky man stood his ground, perhaps foolishly attempting bravery against such a vicious creature, or more likely he was rooted to the spot in fear. Though, a third option yet remained, which became apparent as the Titan Boar suddenly crashed through the forest floor and skewered itself upon the sharpened stakes littering the bottom. It had all been part of the plan.

 

With swift efficiency, the Ranger strode towards the pit, took aim with his bow and sunk a hefty arrow straight through the rage-filled eye closest him, placing the creature out of its misery. Not to mention, out of everyone else’s too, given how its rampage had knocked several villages and citizens flat over the past week and a half.

 

Assured that the animal was indeed deceased, the Ranger jumped down to land atop its carcass, ignoring the loud squishing sound as his impact forced the body further down onto the impaling spikes. Upon closer inspection it was immediately apparent that this poor bloody thing had been a normal wild pig before all this mess, clearly someone had been experimenting their magical bullshit on animals. At least, judging by the runes he could see carved into the sides of it’s flanks by something arcane and definitely illegal.

 

He gave the carcass a pat, sorry to have had to do his duty to something that hadn’t really deserved it. “I’ll get the bastard who did this to you, put an arrow in his throat just for you, hey mate?” he assured, turning to begin scaling the side of the pit. 

As he hauled his frame over the edge, rising to stand beside it, he pulled out a match and held his hat over his heart in a gesture of respect. “Hope you’re somewhere better than this mess, mate.” he says solemnly, before striking a small flame and tossing it atop the body.

 

Looks like he had a shittonne of paperwork to do, and someone to go turn into a magical shishkabob. 

 

~)0(~

  
  


Early that morning a messenger scroll had been delivered via the portal mail service for Merasmus, some urgent council matter that required several of the more experienced sorcerers out there to attend immediately. When questioned, his mentor had merely waved him off and mumbled something about illicit arcane animal experimentation that had to be dealt with. 

 

He left with a suitcase, the bombinomicon, and strict warnings not to summon any demons for a party; leaving his apprentice, one Jane ‘Soldier’ Doe, all alone in the large, dank castle. What could possibly go wrong? Given Soldier’s penchant for absolute, generally accidental, chaos… pretty much anything and everything. 

 

By the time dinner rolled around, Soldier had grown bored of training, reading, playing hide and seek with the ghosts, casting light spells in various colours and even flying on his broomstick. The place just felt emptier without someone else existing in it on a physical plane of existence; many of the ghosts had intriguing and varied personalities, and tried their best to cheer him up, but it wasn’t quite the same.

  
  


And that’s when he heard the scream. 

Loud, surprisingly close-by, and hoarse. The short cry was accompanied by a series of equally audible profanities, threats and questions about their assailant’s parentage; but most importantly, from Jane’s perspective, it sounded like a call to adventure.

 

Soldier readjusted his helmet, grabbed the broomstick and ran for the front door with an eager spring to his step. Only to fling it wide open just in time to collide head-on with a rather battered looking man standing before it, hand raised to knock and attire rumpled almost beyond repair. 

“Crikey!” came the startled shout of the lanky Ranger, as a hulking wall of magical muscle slammed into him headon. The pair tumbled haphazardly down the front stairs in a tangle of limbs, broomsticks and profanities; thudding to the ground in a halo of dust, which arose to choke what little air the winded men could inhale.

 

Quick as a whip, the lanky bloke shoves at Soldier, mouthing moving with words he didn’t quite have a deep enough breath to impart just yet; eyes wide behind his goggles, conveying the urgency that he couldn’t say. Somewhere along the treeline of the surrounding forest sounded an inhuman roar, the volume so ear-shattering it shook the ground and startled nesting ravens from the trees. A great cacophony of crashes echoed in the deafening silence that followed, as many a giant treetrunk shrieked in protest before toppling over under the onslaught of some gargantuan creature…

 

_ “In-...de _ …” the man wheezed out, coughed and tried again. “Inside, mate!” he said more coherently this time, smacking a hand on Soldier’s chest to illustrate his urgency, and scrambling upright. Swiftly following suit, Soldier shoved himself to his feet, and pushed up the brim of his helmet to scan the treeline for any sign of whatever made that noise. 

 

The ground trembled a warning as their foe slowly came into view, fuzzy ears only just surpassing the treetops before the rest of the creature emerged, eyes red and enraged by what could only be arcane magic. Or potentially, just a megabunny having a really, really bad day. But considering the combined general luck of both men present, it was more likely the former, than the latter.

Not to mention the runes carved into the animal. Dead giveaway. Some black magic bullshit was going on here. 

  
  


Soldier sneezed, and then again as the towering megabunny stomped ever closer to the castle, not yet having seen them in particular, but normally adorable nose currently twitching, desperately chasing the scent of-... oh. Blinking, and gaining a good concept of the situation in a split-second, Jane grabs the other man around the torso and bodily hurls them both through the open doorway. Broomstick zooming in behind, slamming the door shut and flicking its whiskers at the lock to engage the cloaking charms.

 

He gave it a pat, fondly, and turned to the newcomer. Given the clothing, he was one of the forest-loving types… but the lack of pointy ears said he wasn’t an elf, which was good, because Merasmus’s lessons hadn’t yet covered Elf First Aid. Jane was still studying healing potives for Centaurs… you wouldn’t believe how many crazy curses, hexes and diseases those half-horse nudist hippies could attract, or just how annoyingly difficult they were to diagnose and treat.

 

His nose twitched again, and he absently rubbed it on a sleeve, and nearly jumped out of his skin when the other man spoke. He might have forgotten the other existed for just a moment there, in light of his frustratingly flaring allergies.

 

“Thanks mate… that thing literally caught me with my pants down… nothing like taking on a ten-foot murderous megarabbit with your dacks ‘round your ankles.” Said the other, a wry grin forming over a slowly swelling face; bruises blooming on exposed skin, and blood trickling morbidly down his long features. “Name’s Mundy, m’one of the Rangers stationed down near that Forbidden Forest place, you know the one travellers and dumb teenagers keep going into and not returning from? All sorts of crazy shit in there, but it’s not all that hard to deal with, just your standard arachnid infestations or the odd rabid werewolf and the like…”

 

For the first time in his life, Soldier wasn’t able to get a word in edgewise, so he let the Ranger ramble on as he directed him to a chair. The slight slur to the speech, the unfocused gaze, and what was clearly a supernatural asskicking… it all seemed to ring a bell in the Apprentice’s memory; sure healing wasn’t a huge component of sorcery unless you wanted to specialise, but Merasmus liked to cover all the basics. Humans, at least, tended not all that difficult to treat… unless they were the stubborn type, like Mundy was shaping up to be. 

 

“...and that’s why I got the call to come up here and see which snotnosed little blighter is going ‘round enchanting your everyday woodland beasts into… things like the big bunny. And the boar, and maybe that one really cranky weasel that stole my undies while I was taking a dip last night… looked bigger than it should have been.” The Ranger finished his spiel, shrugged off Soldier, and rose to stagger somewhat ungracefully towards the door.  “Anyway, thanks for the hospitality and all, but I gotta go deal with that before it finds out I’m holed up in here… or gets bored and goes wandering for… some other… kinda fun…”

 

Soldier barely has a chance to lurch forwards and catch him, as the Ranger seems to drop like a stone mid-stride and sentence. Dead to the world and oblivious to impending danger as Jane sweeps the lanky monster-wrangler into his arms, and whisks him away to somewhere a bit safer. Pausing only to throw a waring glance over his shoulder at broomstick, as he whispers sternly, “ _ Don’t tell Merasmus… _ ”

  
  


~)0(~

 

“...and I’m telling you, mate, it’s fine!” sighs the exasperated Ranger Mundy, for what had to be the sixth time in the past hour. It wasn’t that he didn’t mind the concern behind the questioning, but it was a tad hard to stealthily shift through the shadows when a loud, far-too-enthusiastic sorcerer’s apprentice kept asking you if you were feeling alright. 

 

He clenches his fists, takes a deep breath, and exhales to a count of ten. Can’t do any good getting snippy with the bloke who saved his arse the other day, especially when Jane only wanted to make sure he was doing alright. Sure, maybe Mundy was fudging the truth around the edges a tad, but he had a bloody job to do; and every second he laid about being pampered like some fainting dandy of the royal court, people’s lives and livelihoods were at risk.

  
  


Bit disorienting, really, waking up when you couldn’t recall going to sleep. He’d awoken with a shock, hand automatically reaching for a weapon that wasn’t there, and feeling more than a tad off-kilter at finding himself tucked carefully into a bed that  _ most definitely _ wasn’t his own. Various bits ached, stung and throbbed in a discordant cacophony, some abating or growing sharper as he moved; Mundy had wriggled a bit, just to be sure this wasn’t simply the fall-out from a rather vigorous night before. 

He eventually concluded that no, this was definitely the result of being trounced by something or other; getting smacked about tended to leave an impression on the mind and body alike. Still, the night before was a hazy mess… which  _ was _ unusual. Mundy usually had a mind like a steel trap, but for some reason he just couldn’t picture who, or more likely what, had punched his ticket hard enough to leave him… covered in bandages?

 

Too neat for his usual patchjobs, must have been someone else. At least they’d left him his undergarments, and therefore his dignity… not that he must have much of that left, if he was in such rough shape. The answer of who, and why, came crashing through the door with a vibrantly enthusiastic ‘Good Morning!’ and a tray of various breakfast-like items. 

Jane, or Soldier as he preferred to be called, had taken his sudden intrusion last night in stride. Simply just locking the door to the cursed creature outside, and dragged Mundy’s deadweight off to the apprentice’s own room to deal with the mess he’d made of himself. Soldier told him all this proudly, excitedly; it was almost endearing, even for someone who tended to prefer silence and solitude over socialisation. Jane just seemed to exude a chaotic sensation of life at its most vibrant; which was why Mundy had found himself attentive to the tale of how Soldier had treated him last night, whilst nibbling on any unburnt foodish offerings provided. 

Turns out, the helmet-clad bloke had stripped off the ragged remains of his travelling cloak, tunic, breeches, boots and hat; sending them off with what Soldier described as animated household items for washing and repair. Mundy didn’t really know how to feel about that, but nodded to encourage the other bloke to keep talking. Well, the sorcerer’s apprentice realised how damaged the Ranger actually was, he set about just about marinating Mundy in as many salves, potives, poltices and spell-infused bandages one could possibly get their hands on at short notice. 

Seemed to work a treat, because most of the swelling and inflammation was down; not to mention he was pretty sure the myriad of talon and tooth marks had faded to little more than scars at this point. Mundy made sure to thank the guy, and they idled in conversation until his clothes were returned; mended and free from blood and grime.  

 

There had been an argument.

Soldier was adamant that Mundy should stay, wait for some guy called Merasmus to come back, before they went about knocking giant rabbit heads in; spend a bit more time taking a nap, at least until Mundy could raise his arms without wincing. Which was all well and good, but every minute he waited, that damn creature and the idiot who made it could be wreaking havoc on innocent people. He had to get out there…

  
  


Which was how they’d ended up with a compromise.   
By which it could be said that Soldier managed to pester Mundy into a verbal corner, and the Ranger had agreed to take Jane with him just to expediate the process. He wasn’t completely adverse to having a muscle-clad magic-wielder as his back-up, you almost couldn’t pay for better unless you went with  _ premium Paladin Escort Package _ ; and that lot were far too self-important to shadow a Ranger, no matter how much coin he flashed. 

 

If Jane could just stop asking if he was doing alright, if he needed to rest, if maybe he’d like a quick refresher of some pain-removal potive or healing spell… this would be a lot less frustrating. Mundy began to suspect the other man was simply casting the spells he offered anyway, because discomfort always seemed to decrease after the Ranger declined… though he couldn’t be sure. Perhaps it was simply the company that soothed him. 

Soldier was a strange bloke, but he had a good heart; lot of funny, if a bit crude, stories about bizarre situations he’d gotten himself into and then out of. Nice eyes, build like one of those gods of war that the armies were always praying to, and an enthusiastic, if sometimes overbearing, personality. Must be a right hit with the ladies, or gents, or whatever he fancied. 

 

He had a funny feeling that he knew why Soldier’s company seemed so enthralling, but Mundy sure as hellfire wasn’t going to admit it even to himself. He was too bloody old for all that nonsense anyway; well, for those in his profession anyway, you didn’t last very long out in the wilds but at least the pay was good. And the only boring aspect was the paperwork when you were cashing in a bounty or sending a warning on to some committee or other about a rogue so-and-so of their order.

  
  


Mundy jerked as a large, warm hand pressed against his spine; fingers twitching as he fought the instinctual urge to go for a weapon, mentally telling himself it was just his companion. Soldier must have noticed, because the pressure eased off; but the tingling sensation remained a few seconds more… confirming the Ranger’s suspicions about what the other was up to. He chose to ignore it for now, simply continuing to slide through the dappled shadows of the trees with the practiced ease of one who had spent their life doing exactly this. Followed, not quite so silently, by the solid form of Soldier, who did his very best to be quiet; but ultimately left Mundy wishing the man had brought broomstick, which would have alleviated the sound of his footfalls crunching through the leaf matter strewn about. 

 

“My campsite’s around here somewhere,” he hisses, keeping his voice low as they started to notice gargantuan bunny footprints filling the area, tracks criss-crossing over one another. Clearly, it was still hanging around where it could find the strongest concentration of the Ranger’s scent, seeking revenge for the wounds he had inflicted the night previous. It was a wily little bugger, they’d have to be careful; you should never underestimate something just ‘cause it has a cute fluffy tail… a bad run-in with satyrs’d tech just about anyone that. 

  
  


His eyes scan the forest, noting small nicks and sigils he’d left on the trees leading to his hideout, gesturing for Jane to follow along behind as quietly as he could. The unlikely duo crept through low-set brush and towering treetrunks, winding their way towards a well-hidden rope ladder hiding in the shadows. Checking that nothing stirred in the area, he began to climb; and after a moment, felt the slight jerk of Soldier also ascending behind him. 

 

Higher and higher they rose, clambering up amidst the uppermost branches, where an impressive platform awaited. Boards expertly nestled between, and secured to the thickest branches in an interweaving pattern; the kind of temporary shelter one built when needing an extended stay somewhere that lowering one’s guard on the ground could be fatal. Small bags were littered here and there, as were weapons and a sleeping roll; Mundy took comfort in realising that nothing had been discovered or disturbed in his absence. 

He dragged the sleeping roll toward the treetrunk, and then sank upon it, pressing his spine against the reassuring solidity of the living wood. Mundy always felt more at ease when he was like this, with nature thrumming all around him and no immediate threat to deal with. 

 

Boards creaked as Jane carefully tiptoed across to join him, seeming uncertain at such a height; or perhaps the bloke was afraid that something built to facilitate someone Mundy’s size, would never bear his weight. Still, nice of the guy to try. Soldier made it all the way over and sat beside the Ranger, attempting to maintain his upbeat attitude despite worrying glances at the platform. 

 

“It’ll hold.” Mundy reassured, reaching into a bag and yanking out some sort of fruit. HE began to peel strips off it, biting tentatively to test if it wasn’t overripe yet, and then offering some to his… well, Jane was sort of a guest now, wasn’t he?  Soldier took it, and nibbled appreciatively, as they settled in.

 

And now, it was a waiting game. 

 

~)0(~

 

Soldier sneezed for the second time, nudging Mundy out of his doze with a jolt of adrenaline. 

He hadn’t meant to fall asleep.

 

Reacting instinctively, the Ranger grabbed his bow and arrows as a twinge of memory flared from the night before; carefully stretching himself out so as to peer over the platform’s edge and into the lightening world. No birds chirped greetings to the dawn sun, and nothing scurried below despite the ever-present tell-tale leaf matter. Clearly a sign that something ominous, predatory and dangerous lurked nearby; keeping creatures silent, wary, and afraid to leave their dens for fear of being caught. 

 

Warmth flushed along his left side as Soldier laid down beside him, warding off some of the early morning chill as they waited; neither speaking, straining to hear the slightest sound. Though instead, it came first as a sensation… strong vibrations that shook the leaves on their branches; growing in magnitude with every second that passed until it felt as if each footstep was a thunderclap intent on shaking loose their bodies, cell by cell. 

 

Mundy picked out the tips of enormous fluffy ears by the time they could hear the creature’s every movement, path clearly veering towards their hidden location. Tracking their scent, though not quite well enough to pinpoint them; although that was somewhat due to a certain countermeasure the Ranger used. See, when you gotta go, in a tree, there’s an obvious solution… if you want every slavvering supernatural creature with a hankering for human flesh clawing their way up to your tree. An ancient ranger trick they tended to teach in basic training was to store up your urine and carefully splash it haphazardly throughout the forest if you really needed to give something the slip. 

 

A tad gross? Perhaps. Kept Mundy alive more times than he could count. Had creatures circling back on themselves all over the place, in the past. Even now it had the megabunny so turned around it couldn’t even work out which direction to sniff right.

Just the way he liked ‘em.

 

Sliding an arrow of blessing,  _ or whatever fancy title those monks’d given it after dunking it in some sort of godwater _ , from his quiver and aligning it upon his bow, Mundy tracked the creature’s every twitch. Mentally noting the trajectory and factors that might need to be compensated for, such as windspeed and the target’s current travelling velocity…

Shot through the eye’d do it, but not from this angle. Wouldn’t kill it outright, and he wasn’t one to leave something suffering if he could help it… no, he needed… a distraction.   
The Ranger’s head snapped towards the enthralled Soldier, who started to find himself being stared at, opening his mouth to question what was wrong… when he sneezed violently instead, responding to the increasing levels of dark, arcane magic in the air. 

 

Mundy saw the megarabbit’s head snap up and stare right at them, meeting him eye to eye.    
“Yeah,” he mumbled, drawing back the bowstring, “That’ll do.”

 

He loosed the enchanted missile.

 

~)0(~

 

The hardest part of the whole operation seemed to be guiding Soldier down the ladder, as he wouldn’t look down. It was bizarre, because he’d seen the bloke whizzing about on his broomstick before, far higher than this and hadn’t assumed Jane would have a hang up about heights.  Still, they made good time back through the forest, or so it seemed; perhaps the mood was just a tad lighter now that the creature was finally deceased. 

 

“...find the wanker behind all this and deal with him. Suppose that’s really a wizarding council’s jurisdiction or something, I’m just the guy they send in to take out the shambling horrors  they unleash on the world.” Mundy said, feeling oddly at ease as they traipsed through the trees, as close as a duo could be given the dense foliage. He tried to tell himself it was a job well done, but… nah, who could pretend any longer? It was Jane.

Not that he was head over heels or anything, no, just… felt like maybe there could be something there, if there was time to get to know one another better. His internal monologue was cut short by the man himself, who touched his shoulder to gain the Ranger’s attention.

 

“Mundy?” there was a query in the tone.

 

“Yes mate?” he replied, wondering what kind of flower or butterfly or poisonous demondog the guy’d seen this time.

 

“Would you say the person behind the big bunny would be using dark magic? Maybe about your height, red hair, green eyes, little nose and a big black cloak?” Jane asks, and it almost causes Mundy to miss a step. He raises an eyebrow, turning to look at Soldier.

 

“Dunno exactly, they didn’t give a description… what makes you ask?”

 

Jane pointed. “Because he is standing over there right now, enchanting a raccoon to large proportions…” 

 

“He-... wait, what?” Mundy started, swiftly pivoting on his heel to follow Soldier’s gaze, and discovered the exact scene Jane had detailed. Bugger, his bow caught on his pack as he tried to yank it off in a hurry, and the ruckus they’d caused had caught the sneaky spellcaster’s attention. Their peaky face flashed briefly towards the pair, before they whirled about and attempted to flee; dark cloak flapping about them as they slipped into the shadows. 

 

Mundy swore, loudly, but Soldier was already raising a hand and yelling something. A flare of bright light seemed to rush across the distance between them, twisting and twining about the limbs of the fleeing darkmancer; ensnaring him fast about the legs so he couldn’t escape. 

With a small huff of triumph, the Ranger’s freed bow notches the very same blessed arrow he had retrieved from the megabunny’s corpse, and took aim.

 

“N-no, please, it was just a little fun! They’re only animals! Stupid, unthinking animals!” jibbered the ranga, not so high and mighty now he’d been caught and cornered. “They don’t even feel pain! And what’s a f-few dead nobodies when y-you’re advancing magical kn-knowledge?!”

 

The Ranger nudged the darkmancer with his boot, flipping the rogue sorcerer flat upon his back; cocking his head as he took careful aim, pulling the bowstring taut.    
“Yeah nah, mate… me’n’my mate here, real animal lovers. And you? Turns out your the bastard hurting them. If you believe in any gods, might wanna say a few words to ‘em now.” he growled, tone low and menacing. The arrow lurched forwards and pinned the darkmancer’s skull to the ground, as Mundy grinned. “Cause you might be meeting ‘em soon.”

 

There was a faint flush on Jane’s cheeks as he turned away from the corpse to face the sorcerer’s apprentice; and for a moment he thought it was horror, at what the Ranger had done. Though the sudden crash of lips against his own was, perhaps, the greater surprise still… or so Mundy thought, right up until something wriggled between them.

 

Pulling away, suddenly aware of just how much he’d love to do that again, the Ranger blinked down to see a large infant racoon in Soldier’s arms. Delightedly shredding the other man’s jacket, while he cooed down at it. 

 

“Er, before I ask about the racoon, what was the uh… you know, about?” Mundy had to ask, he was a tad confused about how things had even gotten to that point, to be honest. 

 

“Commander of my heart’s battalion, when I heard your voice I was unable to remain at attention… and will need to be disciplined back into line later after this mission is completed.” Jane grinned, unabashedly, blue eyes sparkling where they met Mundy’s, from under his helmet. “And as for Lieutenant Bites, I have made the tactical decision to add him to my platoon… he needs guidance to become a good soldier.”

 

Mundy quirks an eyebrow, lets the silence linger a moment, then shrugs. 

“Works for me, mate. Let’s get back to that castle of yours, see about this… discipline problem you got going. Reckon I can find a good solution to it…” 

 

Jane snaps a smart salute, not even pretending to hide his enthusiasm.    
“Yes sir!”

~)0(~

 

By the time Merasmus arrived home, he was utterly in shock at how chaotically bizarre the castle had become in his absence. 

To begin with, there was the lanky Ranger who cheerfully greeted the sorcerer as he made his way inside; the man seemingly wearing a towel, a hat and little else besides as he took breakfast with a honey-and-skyclad Soldier.  Not even to mention what appeared to be a rather large baby racoon seated within a hastily constructed highchair; occasionally being spoon-fed by the broomstick; upon which the spoon had been tied. 

 

There was an exceptionally large, fluffy rug now sumptuously draped across the floor that everyone present was pointedly Not Looking At; and what seemed to be a suspiciously familiar corpse lashed to a spare chair in the corner. Squinting at it revealed it was, indeed, the exact rogue darkmancer he’d been summoned all the way to the high council’s chambers to help track down…

 

Tired from his travels, and deciding he would rather deal with all of this mess after a nice miniature coma, Merasmus merely wished them good morning and levitated up the stairs to bed. Leaving the two men, and their bizarre furry son, to finish their meal in peace. 

 

 


End file.
